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YPS. 2L'09. DHSSB clarinets. Math Society. 21101995. math is everything. sleep and eat! :B

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Wants

{♥} 3.8 GPA
{♥} A for LA
{♥} A+ for math
{♥} P+S earrings
{♥} netball match
{♥} xxlc outing
{♥} see RI band concert
{♥} see SSO concert
{♥} play yetpeng's eupho with her mouthpiece
{♥} I♥MY CAR slippers
{♥} take aimless walk with friends
{♥} zoo
{♥} escape theme park
{♥} take random buses from int to int
Thursday, April 23, 2009, 8:40:00 PM
broken kite;

if i return someday, will you all recognise me?
just nowadays, i realised that 1 and half years have passed. not studying in oln anymore. not facing girls everyday anymore. not talking about "are you wai" this topic anymore. not playing five stones or heart attack anymore. not helping mrs tan in solving math questions anymore. i cant believe i actually forgotten all about them. i just remembered as julia asked me this "how you play the -idk what- caterpillar game?" i just realised. i forgotten all the childhood games i played. i wonder, if i pick up my five stones again, am i still that pro? where did i put my five stones? isit still there in my room? i just wonder;

i changed. what's me in the past. okay, quite laughable. looked upon as the nerd. together with abigail and meredith all day long. abigail's the chinese pro and meredith's the science and math pro. what am i? the girl who plays maple and is smart as those dont play computer games. am i still smart? what am i compared to others in dunman high school? my standard is still there. still there as in, i didnt improve at all. others just zoom! and they strike higher than me. grades arent important i know. but the whole real truth is that people look at your grades too, when come to having friends. and that's a painful truth.

what's me now? some crazy retarded laughy person. and zi lian also. aunty also. compared to the past. no one calls me zi lian. no one calls me retarded. no one calls me aunty -.- really, no one at all. and why did i come to dunman high and got so crazy? no one forced me into it. no one is as crazy as me. just why i wonder. regarded as retarded. happy about being retarded at times. but retarded is not being used this way sometimes. i wish to be called unretarded too! LOLS! and yes. being aunty, nothing's wrong. when i get to 40 plus. im aunty lorh! i look into the future. and people saw the future me. aunty. but yes. did i really turn aunty after going to dunman high? what cause me to be like that?

friends, i guess. not saying that they make me aunty. the variety of friends i get from dunman high is different from oln. first of all. guys come into my study life. they are funny whatever, lame at times. immatures.. xD okay they didnt affect me at all. is my friends! they are crazy at times. then slowly. i turned more crazy than them. more easy crazy than them. hmm i know im a bit stupid :X but yeah. i dont regret being retarded and aunty. at least that bring smiles to my friends!

but what i miss is my oln me. hmmm. quite nice mah. oln life. catholic school. they always have the nicest building. everywhere is about art. art pieces of oln pupils. just looking from courtyard, what you see is what the P6'05 did for the school. beautiful murals. hold on to our dreams was P6'04. ours isnt quite nice. it just using a piece of wall. but what shows is the IJ spirit. hold on to our dreams.

i changed so much after i left the school. when i return, my teachers will recognise me mah? i become more joking person and i seriously will joke with them -.- i wonder, does that disappoint them? it get real sad if they ask me "peishan you changed" the word change is a really impactful word. change. change. change. i aint guai1 as before

IJ girl. honest, caring, considerate. thats in our school pledge. i arent honest. i lie like once a day or more. i lie without batting an eyelid. i lie for my own advantage. i lie. im a liar. a big liar. i arent caring. i hurt my friends. i hurt my friends when it's totally wrong time to hurt them. it may be just one or two. but they were hurt because of me. that isnt me. i didnt hurt my friends when im an IJ girl. :X isit that the IJ spirit isnt burning in me anymore? considerate. am i? i force my friends to go home with me. just cos i need a companion. i made people make for me for 1 hour plus. just to pei me home last year. i didnt think of how my friend feel at all. when my friend is all alone, how she feels? lonely yeah. did i think for her. i didnt.

i aint that IJ girl that i used to be. i not saying that im honest caring and considerate in the past. is just that i become worse. will oln take me as IJ girl still?

i saw 3. 3 IJ girls. how i wish i could strip off their clothes(just kidding) and wear them on myself. the desire to go back is just so big. oln, how long does it takes to go home? 10min. alone go home also nevermind. just alone for 10 min what -.- and now? 1 hour to 1 and half hour. that torturous 90min, 5400 seconds. without a companion. that loneliness. everyday, return home all tired. all i need was a good friend. to accompany me home and lend me her shoulder if she can. but i go home at diff times as them. the people i go home with stops at aljunied, not serangoon. that's life i guess.

IJ, i just miss you so much. IJ spirit's burning bright, with the hearts with love and light. ~ oln is just so holy sometimes; when its covered with all those wai-ness

broken kite
yes again. i thought about our friendship. useless me. there's no use to look back in the past. they will never happen again. one second just passed when i type an "a". can i rewind that time as i type a wrong letter? no. i need another sec to erase it by pressing the backspace key. hence, what happened as happened. i need time to recover.

we are friends. yeah right. the scenario of you being the kite and i being the lil cheerful girl holding onto the kite. wheeee~ you are flying high. flying freely. i was happy and proud of myself making you flying so high and so free. we are both happy about whats happening. suddenly, i accidentally pulled the string too hard. the string snapped. just then i realised the string is just thin. the string is just like the friendship we are having. our distance turned so far. i silly silly pulled the broken string to myself. thinking that you didnt broke free and fly away. but the truth is that. you're gone.

those things that happened. allowed us to face the truth that we have a high chance of not being good friends anymore. the kite. you. can be easily found when there's no wind. however. the string. cant be connected back. maybe it can. but not as strong as before. the end? no more kite flying?

but there's another alternative. use a strong string and attach the kite to it. the strong string that the kite will not flying away again. we just need that strong friendship bond and nothing's going wrong. but whats going wrong?

you, want to break free all along. you didnt want to be pulled by me. i was controlling how high you fly. you actually longed to be free. though you love me as a friend. but the pressure im pulling you tired you. you just want to be free. and yes. you are free now. what left me with a broken string. i made it snap. it just went to its maximum. it's all my fault. but time cant be rewind. the string cant be unsnap.

hurt, all i feel is that. hurt that i lost a good friend due to my selfishness. i lost a good friend due to my own desires. i lost a good friend. a good friend that i shared my secrets with. shared about who i like and my family problems. i just lost my friend. i cant believe this. i dont even know if i know you that much. if i did, i wont pull you so hard. today. i could even recognise your footsteps. i thought i was crazy. how could you be here? you must be at home. then i went on doing my things. and yes its true. you are there. i cant believe im that accurate to know how your footsteps sound like.

the fun i had with the kite. cant get it back now. never again. i wish to be positive. but are you positive about having me this pressurizing friend again? are you? are you positive about having me this irritating friend? are you? maybe i think too much you may say. but from your actions. your eyes. the reply is "no, i dont want to be your friend anymore".

and yes. im your history now. and she's your new story. you made a new friend and turn into good friends with her. soon, i would b e at the back of your mind or even worse. not even in your mind. forgotten about me. and have great chats with her.

how i know how you doing now? through your blog. am i that positive to read and blog and know that "oh you are sad today" and right after seeing that you are online. say some encouraging words like "i love you as a friend! dont sad kay! im always your friend!" am i that positive? i might be. but when the reply i get is just "okay... o.o" im can just be the magnet. you are north, im south. attract to you so much. positively. then after your sentence, i can immediately change to north. and repel you. that gap i repelled. is big and it's getting bigger and bigger each day;

and since you are avoiding me so much, preharps i shall grant you that wish.

i just you to disappear from my life. once you disappear. i will be happy. but i guess you dont want me to be happy. but the fact is you cant disappear. you have no magic. i still need to face you day to day. and remembering that you dao me and talked to another person happily. the daoed times is just so many. so many. inevitable huh. you can choose not to. but you still did. is just an excuse you gave yourself. and you are just full of excuses. what shown to me of you isnt you. i see you with your friends before eh. retarded. but what you shown to me? acting a cold front. wow. do i deserve this? do i seriously deverse this? NO I DON'T

ALTERNATIVE WAY: RETURN THAT KITE TO ME. the old one.

---

i realised that i have a lot of friends around. oln peeps. around once i need them. jiayous from them is always there. IJ spirit yeah! and yes talked to quite some oln peeps. random asked meredith tag sch pledge on my blog then ask elaine, vernice and kailin. those who dont mind my lame-ness peeps :D and yes. vernice didnt tag the school pledge yet. lols! xD cheered up by them :D

but i went other people blog read stuffs. got all over emo again :( see. i aint positive!!! i need positive stuffs! xD

friend, i dont know the reason, your one word just make me laugh; hahaha! you rock lah :D yay!

today was fun for lunch. i made patricia and julia laugh at me like madwoman! cos i was imitating the way seniors talked during lunch xD lol! :D sp was okay. prac saga -.- no carmen! D: and la storia. gosh D: i just like the song. but i realised. alot of clarinet. truthfully alot of them. we must buck up cos we are the MELODY D:

convo: forcing people to love me Dx LOL

me:
DO YOU LOVE ME D:
she:
of course
me:
no.
but more in depth
NaGoL™ [ ] says:
?
me:
aiyooo!
must say love me until what extend. blah blah
she:
i love you till i die
me:
and..?
she:
and still love you.

OKAY. forcing people to say iloveyou to me make me zilian! :D and yes i feel happy.

meredith,kailin,elaine,vernice: imy all (: ily all too (: